13 May 2009--Thoughts on Reader's block

I wanted to write about some of the books that I've been reading, but the only books that I've been reading with a consistent frequency is The Heretics of Dune and the writing books that I've borrowed from the library. The Heretics of Dune has been constant only because it's in my car and I'm listening to it via audio books. I know this because I had the brand new hardcover re-release a few weeks ago, and barely read past the first few chapters. I'm experiencing a weird sense of detachment from reading fiction, only because I get hang ups with it whenever I try to write. Like, I need to rest from it almost, so that my subconscious can digest whatever it is that I read, and that I won't feel conscious about it as I'm writing. It gets to the point at times that I waver between feeling like a plagiarist or feeling like a hack. So, since I don't want to be discouraged from writing anymore than I already get, my short term solution has been to stop reading. I know, that's weird, but I don't devour books nor have the shaky addiction to devour books like I used to. In fact, I think I may have replaced my addiction to reading with more junk food eating. I'm not entirely sure, but I have noticed that my need for eating junk food has increased noticeably since I've stopped reading regularly. Well, I don't want to seem like I'm not reading at all, since I did go through like 6 nonfiction books, and I am currently trying to read Extremely loud and Incredibly close. I just wish that I weren't so "all or nothing" about these things, but I do want to do everything possible to encourage my writing, even if it means cutting myself off from books I love to read (fantasy). I think a lot of times, my trips to the library help me to assuage my inability to buy things, and so I end up borrowing stacks of books, dozens at a time only to end up not reading them or maybe only one or two of them. Who knows. Oh, and I feel like I'm slowly going insane because when I do get to write, I end up not leaving my world entirely, and end up feeling flaky all day during my day job where I'm forced to talk to lots of people. Which is why I hope to find another day job which will encourage me towards my dream of being a full time writer, if for nothing else, so I don't feel like I'm losing my mind and spiraling towards a dissociative disorder.