08 June 2009--Samsara

waking. closing my eyes because I don't want to be awake. visualizing my day. wishing to be in bed while still in bed. slipping back in that in between stage where I'm dreaming but conscious about it. liking my dreams. Getting up frustrated because those dreams are no where near my reality. i can't even write about them. turn off the coffeemaker. eat breakfast. congratulate myself that I'm eating my food. berate myself because my lunch will probably be processed inedible swill. not thinking about not exercising. eat the food. drink the good coffee. using the notebook and the computer not to write. read. not enjoying the reading because it makes me feel guilty about not writing. feeling not unique. not creative. exercise. realize that i need a few more weeks of exercise before i see any improvement. work. hope not to be called names. hope not to be called out on conference call for something i forgot to do. back home. where there is no progress to the house. no progress towards paying down debt. read. swallow my pride and lack of creativity. read till my eyes can no longer see, and i don't feel too guilty that i don't write. sleep. close my eyes and dream of far off worlds. know that my dreams will fuel another day of muted frustration. not caring.